Friday, February 27, 2004 ; 2:51 AMY
just when I thought things wouldn't get any worse....
* periods came this morning.... feeling very sick now...
* Tiana, one of the children that's in care with Barnardos, is not going home today as it planned... as mum doesn't want her bk YET =(
* UNSW decided not to run a GENED class so they just unenrolled everyone without telling us and now I can't find another course as a lot of them are FULL!!!
* still not talking to Bill... and he hasn't called... meant to go out tmr but dunno if we are now...
* mum's got the shits cos I haven't cleaned my room for the past weeks (apparently)
* trying to work here but someone's eaten all my lollies so now I have nothing to chew on!!! gggrrr....
* I'm bored and my lil bro ad Isla has not updated their site for me to read! ><
So that's my day so far.... hope it gets better!
Thursday, February 26, 2004 ; 12:36 PMY
today was pretty gd... considering I didn't have to go to Penrith... went to Ultimo for some training with the new system in Barnardos.... pretty interesting... we finished early at 3:45pm.... and surprisingly my boy came and met up with me... we went to eat and then did some shopping.. bought a new uni bag!!! how exciting... and bought a lil giraffe stuff toy... now Billy's zoo can have more animals... =) Had a great time... it was great to see him... as always... went home in a better mood than usual since I spent some time with my hubby...
but when I thought things were getting better... it actually gotten worse... when we were on the phone at night.... stuff came up.. and he sad some hurtful things... which I just cannot get over... I asked him if he was gonna come to uni with me mon and tues when uni starts... he said "what?! I have to go to uni?!"... i was like... woah...~ a "I want to but I can't" would've bn more appropriate I thought... I always thought if you love someone you'd do anything to see them whenever possible... and this is not happening... and then he rebutted me and asked me if I've seen Joey go to uni with Tina (my unif riends who's been going out for centuries)... I replied saying Joey always drives Tina to the station and always picks her up after uni... and I said he doesn't come to uni with Tina cos he has to go to uni himself and he works during the day sometimes... and he bloody goes off at me and goes "see... I knew you would mind.. you would eventually mind that I don't have a car and no job... you always looked down on me!"... and I was like... WTF?!?! where did this come from?! this was the most hurtful thing I think he has ever said to me... I can't believe he thought I think like that... bloody hell.... cried so much after that.... I mean..... I love a boy unconditionally and this is what I get?! he thinks I have a burning sensation inside that I actually look down on him... fuck that.... I dun care if my boyfriend has no job and no car and no money... all I want is someone to look after me and treat me good and give me a sense of stability and security. Is it bloody THAT hard?!
Fuckin hell... so pissed off... (sorry abt the swearing guys)... try so hard and this is what I get...?! dun even know why I bother anymore.... doesn't even seem worth it now that I know that's what he thinks of me... *pft*
*u guys think I'm being too sensitive?* =(
Wednesday, February 25, 2004 ; 10:35 AMY
Bill didn't pick me up today... I called him during my lunch break and he said he couldn't find a dollar to catch the bus out to the station... I thought he was joking and was trying to surprise me... but nope... he didn't show up....
so sad... think I'm going to go cry now... :><:
about to get off work.... had fun today though... supervisor wasn't here so i got to do whatever... dun get me wrong though, I did do some work! actually, i think I've worked very hard today cos I'm not self conscious as I am when my supervisor's around... like, I'm paranoid she'll go off at me if I do sth wrong... hehe... so I took some phone calls and did some crisis intake work... typed up some data.... updated our carer list... checked up on Tiana... my client who's in care atm... she's gorgeous!!! So yeh... did heaps of work...!!! going into head office tmrz at Bay St. Ultimo... hope I dun get lost!!!^^
Abt to go... i think my boy's picking me up... after much whinging and hinting and mum's wise words.. i think he's finally decided to come and catch the train with me... who knows!!! I might be dissappointed (again).... but oh wellz.... he does what he wants... can't force nething... if I do, it would be meaningless...~ -.-"
so hungry... and it's like 5pm.... what am I gonna eat...?! not gonna get home till like 7pm!!! ARGH!!! I always end up buying chips or sth... and it's soooo bad... getting all these pimples... not gd...
Monday, February 23, 2004 ; 11:02 AMY
had a pretty eventful day today... bus to Parra was late... then got to Penrith and found out that Westbus had a stop work meeting... so I was stuck at Penrith with no transport to Cranebrook to go to work...!!! So I called in and told them I won't be coming in... so I got on a train and started going home... msged my boy... he called me bk and we decided to do sth... so I got off at Parra and shopped around waiting for his call... then we decided we'll go to Chatswood.. so I caught a bus to Eastwood to meet up with him... then we caught another bus to Chatswood... got there around 12:15pm... so by that time I have already been on buses and trains for 5 and a half hrs...!!! but I was happy... cos my boy came out on such short notice just to spend time with me.. =)
we went to yum cha.. just the two of us... *yum* I love yum cha... hehe... and then afterwards we shopped around... and then we went home at around 4:30pm..... so today has been heaps gd... and it's so gd to get a day off work... wahaha~~~~
Bill's so funny... I was tired so I sat on this heaps comfy chair at Kmart and won't get up... so he took my hand and pulled me, but the chair had wheels so the chair came with me while he pulled me along... haha.... was so funny.... =)
A couple of days ago we had a black out at home... rang my boy and told him and he goes "what, a black out? is it the whole house?" HAHAHAHAHA~~!!! like DUH!!! he says the funniest things.... he always makes me laugh... keke....
took some funny photos of my boy while we were yum cha-ing... will upload them soon! ^^
Wednesday, February 18, 2004 ; 12:42 PMY
nothing much happened today... so tired.. just wanna zzzz in today (well, everyday)...!!! trains seemed much better than before... hope they go back to normal soon... actually... I wish they have a strike so then I have an excuse not to go to work at my placement... haha!!!!
read my lil bro's blog... poor thing... hurt his wrist... and I got a mention in his shoutouts under his "family" section... I feel loved now =) I've always been jealous of Lawrence and his lil sister Jess (real blood related sis that is!)... they have such a gd relationship... whereas I'm the only child, living with mum and dad... and have no pets... and parents have been strict bringing me up... so I've been kinda a loner... never allowed out or on the phone... so I had no one to talk to or play with.... so I've always been jealous of siblings with close relationships =) just like Lawrence and Jess... I guess that's why I have so many god bros... Jason, Johnson, Lawrence, Gene... it's hard to find that brotherly love outside of home though.... but I'm happy with what I have.. I mean, I have my boy now and I have a great bunch of friends so I'm grateful! =) And I'm thankful that so many pplz love me and care abt me..~^^
So weird.. was talking to my boy tonight... nearly his 21st bday (14th March), so I wanted to know what he got planned so I can take days off work if he wants my company... so he was going... oh yeh, might play basketball Saturday arvo (his bday's on Sunday), then go out with friend's for dinner... and on Sunday I'l spend it with family.. so I was like... hm.. where do I fit in?! isn't it funny how he hasn't even thought abt spending one on one time with me on his bday...? am I being over sensitive? I dunno... but i just thought if you love your girlfriend you'd wanna spend some time alone with her on your bday.... oh wellz.. see what I mean when I say his actions dun match his words? sometimes his true self shows and it's just not happening between us these days!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!
Sunday, February 15, 2004 ; 6:00 AMY
yesterday was great... love V.Day.... my boy called me at 10am when I was still in bed with skimpy clothes on cos it was SO hot that night... and he told me that he was at my door!!! I was freakin out cos I had to get changed and actually get out of my comfy bed.... didn't believe him at first but I heard his car pull up so I had to go open the door (meanwhile my parents were zzzz)... and there he was, holding a dozen red roses (with baby breaths!!!) with a wide smile on his face... man was I stoked... he's never given me a bunch of flowers before.. i was grinning like mad... keke.... so HAPPY!!!! a wonderful surprise... =)
In the arvo we went to Michaelangelo's for lunch, which was just beautiful... then we went to Parra for Dippin Dots ice cream... *yum*... my favourite!!!! Then I took my boy to Chippendale for a Japanese Buffet dinner... we were so full by the end of that... hehe... we've just been constantly eating the whole day....! Afterwards we went to the Openair Cinema where we watched Love Actually... it was such a funny movie~^^
So we had a REAL gd day yesterday.... will never forget it... I hope everyone else found a way to enjoy the special day.... I think things with Bill will gradually improve.. (hopefully)...
Thanks to all those that signed my GB... especially the anonymous person... i never knew pplz can just get to my blog accidently... -.-"... hehe... but thanks to all those that cared... greatly appreciated!!!! xoxo
Wednesday, February 11, 2004 ; 12:00 PMY
someone told me to stop dreaming and start using my head... like, what the hell?! i'm a big girl... i know what to dream abt and what to keep real.... i mean, what's a life without dreams? then again... sometimes I can't even distinguish my dreams from reality....
i mean... a boy forgets his anniversary and didn't show up to pick up his gf on the day... wouldn't u expect him to do sth to suck up to the girl or do sth to make her feel better and make up for the mistake? something like pick her up from work the next day as soon as he realises he's forgotten... and mebbe even with a lil present or flowers or sth....? is that normal or is this what myf riend calls unrealistic?!
it's weird... i always watch those HK dramas and see a guy and think, man, i want a bf like that...!!! Then I wonder to myself... can this happen or am I being unrealistic abt life? Like... is there really someone out there that's sweet, sensitive, understanding, honest and treats a girl like a princess? One that loves a girl so much he'll do nething for her? hm......~~~ I mean... I strive to find someone like that but this may be a dream that'll never come true... cos he doesn't bloody exist!!! I dunno... someone tell me....~
Spent all day at work yesterday bored as... having supervision with my surpervisor tmrz.. scary :><: then might be doing a crisis placement in the arvo after lunch.. should be interesting....
talked to Bill for a while last night... nothing special.. didn't wanna talk newayz... never picked me up today.... and he was telling me how his friend called (which is a girl) and asked him to play badminton and sing K tmrz... and he said he's not goin cos it's too hot... like bloody hell.... he considers that.... but I guess picking me up is just too much trouble.. it's not as if he doesn't have the bloody time...! gggggrrr.. mebbe I'm being unreasonable here.. but any gurl will understand my frustration atm.... (or AM I being unreasonable?!)
gotta stop whinging.. can't be gd for my body... blerk~
things are shyte.... Bill forgot our 18mths anniversary.. *sob* so sad... was hoping that he'll surprise me yesterday and pick me up from work.. but no such luck... talked on the phone last night, nothing was mentioned... befroe hanging up i asked him if he had nething to say to me.. expecting a "happy 18mths"... but nup... he's forgotten...!
Talked to him on icq this arvo while I was at work... he said sorry... first for his pissy mood... which i didn't even pick up.. and then i told him that wasn't what I was mad at... and then he said sorry for fogetting our 18mths and for not getting a job... *sigh* boys.. what am i going to do with him?!
yseterday was just one hell of a day... didn't get home till late cos of the stupid public transport system that's all screwed... my bus from work to Penrith station never showed up... called MikeMike and had a talk with him as I felt lonely as... a lil girl.. in the middle of Cranebrook... and a bunch of trees.. cars going pass... some yelling out stupid comments... just felt so sorry for myself... i was pissed at bill at the time so I called mikemike for some assurance.... talked for a while then we hung up cos i was in a hurry to get on a train...
we talked later that night for abt half an hour... he said that next time I get stuck at strathfield he can come pick me up and drive me home.. how sweeeeeet.. =) so we talked... mostly abt MY problems... he made a comment that I am a very strong anf tough girl but just a bit weak in the heart... meaning I give in to things to easily but when I'm in the situation I deal with it anyway... I found that to be a compliment.... I mean... I guess I am strong in a sense that I'm weak... i dunno... weird..~~~ but he knows me best... and he's gotten me thinking abt things I should've bn thinking abt since the past month when things started to go downhill... i dunno.... keep avoiding the problem... so the problem is still here couple of weeks down the track... why dun they just dissappear?! bleh.....
not talking to bill at the moment... cooling off period... gotta get myself to get over it or think abt how i'm going to deal with it this time before I start talking to him again... and it's not like he's done nething to make things better... so... god knows what's gonna happen!!!
Sai lo Lawrence.. thanx for signing GB... u r a great lil bro...~^^ xoxo
Monday, February 09, 2004 ; 10:20 PMY
HAPPY 18 MTHS to my boy... finally made it... didn't think we'll make it this far but here we are.... keke... (i hope he remembered... didn't call me this morning and he never said that he was gonna pick me up from work or nething last night ><).... we've had our ups and downs... but I guess everything should be going gd from now on.. well, for the time being newayz...
Thank you to my sai lo who've always bn reading my blog (i think only u and Bill and Jean reads my blog.. so sad.. ><)... and have bn giving me encouraging words throughout the last couple fo wks... things have gotten better... and hopefully it'll stay that way.. =) kaka.. so funny when u said that relationships evolve.. made me think of Pokemon!!! haha...~~~ Thanx for signing my GB too... feel special now!~^^
My wishes go out to Derek today... hope he gets thru the day ok... thinking of u... will give u a call tonight dude.. hang in there...~ -.-"
As for me... nothing much has happened... just working... being bored at work everyday... hehe... looking forward to Saturday cos it's V.Day! And I'm going to watch Love Actually at the Openair Cinema at the Botanic Gardens.. yay!!! can't wait.... ~('oo')~
better get bk to work... dun wanna get busted and have my supervisor fail me.. and then I'll have to do my 5 mths placement all over again!!! ARGH~~~~
Thursday, February 05, 2004 ; 5:02 AMY
dunno what to do... no one loves me... so sad... >< I dun think things will be perfect lil bro.. but thanx for the encouragement...~ Things just seem to get worse by the day... I miss those first couple of months when things are all so lovey dovey... i dun understand.. if we could do it in the beginning why can't we maintain that 18mths down the track?! doesn't make sense to me... haven't been happy for the past month or so... if things keep going downhill from here I have no choice but to let go I guess... always dreamt that things will change but that's beyond reality as I have found out the hard way....
made a new email address pplz... but no fowards... all forwards to go to my old one sendee_baby@hotmail.com.... and this one is for meaningful emails that pplz type bobuiju@yahoo.com.au.... made this cos hotmail is blocked at work... so now I use this to write to frenz and stuff.. just wrote a long ass email to Jean today... hope to hear from u soon gurl...~~~ need some counselling plz... =)
going to uni tmr for placement meeting thing... kinda excited... at least I dun have to go to Penrith!!!!! looking forward to lunch with SW frenz afterwards.... but after that I'm with my boy and I feel like I wanna cancel cos I just know I'll be in a shitty mood and it'll just make it a crappy night for both of us.. and I can't help that... -.-"
LAWRENCE sai lo.... thanx for signing my GB... not much pplz sign it... kaka.... thanQ~
Have updated the site... well.. kinda... added more animations and stuff... hope u guys like it...~^^ Have added shoutouts on the right hand bar... if I missed ya, let me know and I'll add u!!!
Wednesday, February 04, 2004 ; 5:10 AMY
I miss my boy... and I wanna go home!!! so tired... back is hurting from sitting all day.. I'm still at friggin Penrith Barnardos... so boring... at least I have internet access so I get to secretly play with neopet and read pplz' blogs.. =) kaka~~~
Bumped into Phillipa this morning on the train.. didn't know we were on the same train till we both got off at penrith... hehe... such a small world...
Newayz.... talked to Tina... talked to Derek.. Sharon... um... that's abt it today... so boring... can't even check my mail cos they bloody blocked hotmail.. *sob* cruel social workers....!
I'm starting to think this isn't the job for me... or mebbe I'm just not interested in foster care... I dunno... I wanna go to other units in Baranrdos.. but I'm stuck in TFC unfortunately.. (temporary family care)... I just dun like sitting in an office...!!! I cannot do this as a career... I want a social work position that goes out and does home visits and interact with children.. not bloody sit in an office and freeze to death while typing up case notes or reading organisation policies... gggrrrr... bugger!!!
newayz... off to work again... only an hour to go till I'm outta here!!!!!!! WAHAHAHA!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS to Jean who has just got her Ls... abt time gurl.... =)
Monday, February 02, 2004 ; 10:35 PMY
thanks to all those that cared... esp. Johnson ge, Jean and Muki.... who have called me and given me advice... (mostly advice that i was suppose to follow but didn't...).... i know u guys always have my best interests at heart... and i thank you for that... =)
Bill and I are still together... we worked out our differences (well, kinda)... and I guess it doesn't hurt to give it another chance... hope things start going uphill from now...~^^
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Tina for the 1st Feb.... HAPPY 21st... hope u had a gd one... I'll c ya Friday and give u a big hug... =)
Lawrence.... lil bro... hang in there... i know life must be hard now... but it'll get better... we all love u.. and I know Eva will be thinking of u every second... have faith!!! Welcome home....~!
Derek.... it was nice talking to u that night.... I'm sorry to hear what has happened... will be thinking of u on the 10th Feb... gd luck... and I'm happy for you that you're happy with someone u love now.... <3
To all the
SW gurls... hope u r all having fun at placement... i know Wendy is.. sooo jealous man... but I'm learning a lot here at Barnardos.. but I can't wait till it's all over... 11th June.. counting down..~!!!! We'll all have to go out and celebrate when we're all done... =) how abt Bondi...
Hurricane? keke....
Last of all..... to
my boy... I love u to death.... can never let u go even though I have tried to a couple of times... (wait... that doesn't sound gd... but u know what I mean)... I know we've bn thru a lot in the past 18mths (nearly)... but I'm trying... I really am... hope we have many more happy moments together... love u...~~~
